she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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