Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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