I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Randomize
