Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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