you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
