the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
