dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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