the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I made him laugh his dick is mine
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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