Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
