I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
