OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
