I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
