I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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