Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
