At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
