I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
