I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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