The maid of honor just puked.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
