He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
