We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
