If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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