my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
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