can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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