I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
