She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
