oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
