Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
