I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
