Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
