tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
