I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
