so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
