I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
