thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
