I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Randomize
