Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
3 2 1 whiskey
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Let's get the cat blown out
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
