Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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