I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
