Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
