My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
