true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
