I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
So many bounce houses so little time
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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