Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
