I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
