She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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