my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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