I can't breathe out the right side of my face
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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