The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
