This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
