if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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