Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
