I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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