so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
